Under the Chuppah: A Bride’s Prayers

The preparation prior to the day of your wedding includes so many minor details it is easy to forget the big picture – you are getting married! The day of your wedding should be one of celebrating the unification between you and your soul mate, not one of stressing about trivial things that may not go as planned on your wedding day. That being said, I believe one of the essential ways to tap into the spiritual side of your wedding day and embrace getting married is Under the Chuppah. 

Walking around your husband-to-be seven times is an important opportunity to give blessings and say prayers that seal a stronger bond between you, your chosson and Hashem. Out of all of the details you may want to think about on your wedding day, embrace the time you spend under the chuppah walking around seven times and praying to Hashem. Your prayers are personal and there are many thoughts that may come to your mind. I thought of what I wanted to say ahead of time, printed it out and brought it with me under my chuppah, which turned out to be very handy. I also wrote a list of names to say when praying for others. 

This is a personal thing to each bride, but here is an outline of some essentials based on A Bride’s Prayer for Sepharadim and Askenazim Jewish Women by Rabbi Michael Haber: 

Jewish Wedding Ceremony Program: Sample

As with other customs, there are several traditions that take place at an Orthodox Jewish Wedding, yet not all guests at the wedding may know these traditions or have ever been exposed to an Orthodox Jewish Wedding in the past.  To enhance their experience, it is always beneficial to provide a Ceremony Program that includes an explanation of the Orthodox Jewish Wedding traditions.  But writing a Ceremony Program that is both concise and well-rounded can be difficult.  For those of you looking for an Orthodox Jewish Wedding Ceremony Program template, look no farther.  Below is a sample ceremony program template that does a great job describing the symbolism behind traditions in a Jewish Wedding, along with an overview of key features before the wedding ceremony and after.  Since this is a template, personalize it by inserting the groom or bride's name (or other indicated name) in the places that are bracketed.

Jewish Wedding Ceremony Program Template:

Welcome!

Thank you so much for joining us for our wedding. We are very happy that you have come to share our special day with us.  We have prepared this guide to the ceremony and customs of the traditional Jewish wedding to enhance your participation in the celebration.

A wedding reflects a new beginning for the couple, a day likened in significance to Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement), the most sacred day of the Jewish calendar. As on Yom Kippur, when repentance wipes the slate clean between G-d and humanity, today the couple begins a new phase in their lives. The parallel between Yom Kippur and the wedding day is also reflected in the clothing [groom's name] and [bride's name] wear. As a symbol of purity and forgiveness, they both wear white – [bride's name] in her wedding gown and [groom's name] in a kittel, a robe typically used for prayer on the high holy days.

Kaballat Panim:

Greeting the Chatan & Kallah

On their wedding day, the Chatan and Kallah are treated with special honor, as guests endeavor to fulfill the mitzvah (commandment) of mis’ameach Chatan v’Kallah (gladdening the groom and bride) in the time prior to the ceremony where guests have the opportunity to greet them. While [bride's name] receives guests in one room, [groom's name] sits in a separate room at the chatan’s tisch - literally, the groom’s table.

The Ketubah (Marriage Contract)

At the Chatan’s tisch, the contractual obligations surrounding the marriage are finalized. [Groom's name] accepts the terms of the ketubah (marriage contract), a two-thousand-year-old Aramaic text which obliges [groom's name] to honor, support, and maintain his future wife, [bride's name].  The signing of the ketubah expresses the idea that any declaration of love must be accompanied by both legal obligations and moral commitment.

[Groom's name] formally accepts his obligations by accepting a token physical object (a handkerchief), which [the Rabbi's name] hands him. Two witnesses then sign the ketubah, as required by Jewish law. At the conclusion of the tisch, guests accompany [groom's name] with dancing and singing as he walks to [bride's name] for the bedeken.

Bedeken (Veiling of the Kallah)

The word “bedeken” has two meanings, each originating from a particular episode in Genesis. The first definition for the word is “to check” so that the groom will not find himself in the same predicament as the patriarch Jacob who, after working seven years for Laban to earn Rachel’s hand, was deceived and given Leah instead (Gen. 29:21-25). The second meaning is “to cover” as illustrated in the story of Rebecca who covered herself with a veil when she saw her husband-to-be, Isaac, for the first time (Gen. 24:65).  At the bedeken, [Groom's name] looks at [bride's name] face and confirms that she is his chosen bride and lowers the veil, thus symbolically setting her apart from others.

After the bedeken, guests proceed to the ceremony room and take their seats. 

The Ceremony

Chuppah (Marriage Canopy)

The chuppah is a symbol of the home that [groom's name] and [bride's name] will build together.  All four sides are left open so that the public may be part of the ceremony and as a representation of the tent of Abraham and Sara that was also open on all four sides emphasizing the Jewish value of hospitality towards guests.

The groom and bride are each escorted to the chuppah by their dear parents, [groom's name] by his parents, [groom's parents names], and [bride's name] by her parents, [bride's parents names].  When [bride's name] reaches the chuppah, she circles [groom's name] seven times. There are many explanations for the seven circles.  By circling the Chatan, the Kallah symbolically supplies walls to the chuppah, thereby separating the couple from the rest of society, a private space where only the two of them may enter.  The seven circles also represent each of the days of creation and a link to the seven patriarchs and matriarchs. When [bride's name] has finished circling [groom's name], she stands at his right, in remembrance of the verse, “At my right hand does the queen stand.” (Psalms 45:10). 

The ceremony proper has two parts - Kiddushin (betrothal) and Nissuin (marriage blessings). Each of these components begins with a blessing over a cup of wine, the traditional Jewish mark of joyous ritual.

Kiddushin (Betrothal)

The Mesader Kiddushin (officiating Rabbi), [the rabbi's name], begins the ceremony reciting the Birchat Erusin (betrothal blessings).  Introducing the people being called up for honors will be [name of the person introducing the people].  The first blessing is over a cup of wine and the second blessing expresses gratitude to G-d for allowing the sanctification of the relationship through marriage.  After the blessings, [groom's name] and [bride's name] drink from the cup of wine.

This is followed by the central act of the entire day – the giving and acceptance of the wedding ring. Since marriage in Jewish law is a contract between a husband and wife, it is transacted symbolically with a transfer of an object of worth.  The ring is a solid band of metal with no stones set in it, so that its value may be easily ascertained and to show equality to all.  As a ring has neither a beginning nor an end, it is representative of the cycle of life.

As [groom's name] places the ring onto [bride's name] right forefinger – in the presence of two honored witnesses – he states “Haray aht mikudeshet li b’tabaat zo kidaat Moshe v’Yisrael” -  “Behold you are consecrated to me with this ring in accordance with the law of Moses and Israel.”

In the Garden of Eden, G-d took one of Adam’s ribs (or sides) to create Eve, Adam’s wife. In this way, Adam was no longer complete, having had his rib/side taken from him. The Bible then continues, “Thus a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, so that they become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). Thus, in our wedding ceremony, when [groom's name] makes the “Haray Aht” statement, he is acknowledging to [bride's name] that by marrying her he is finally complete.

It is [groom's name] giving and [bride's name] acceptance of the ring that joins them as husband and wife. As soon as [groom's name] places the ring on [bride's name] finger, they are considered legally married according to Jewish law.

Reading of the Ketubah

The ketubah is read aloud in the original Aramaic and repeated in English  It is then given to [bride's name] to keep, confirming her acceptance of its terms. 

Nissuin (Marriage Blessing)

This part of the ceremony consists of Sheva Brachot (seven blessings) recited by a number of honorees.  The Sheva Brachot put the marriage in a historical and spiritual context and thank G-d for: 1) the fruit of the vine, the traditional symbol of joy and sanctity; 2) the creation of the world; 3) the creation of humanity; 4) the wisdom, intelligence, and free will with which every person is endowed; 5) the joy and happiness of Zion; 6) the joy of the bride and groom; and 7) a wish for the couple’s delight, cheer, love, harmony, peace and companionship in their lives together.  After the final blessing over the wine, [groom's name] and [bride's name] drink from the second cup.

The Breaking of the Glass

The service is concluded by the singing of  “Im eskachech Yerushalayim tishkach yimini” - “If I forget Thee Jerusalem, I should lose the power of my right hand”.  [Groom's name] then shatters a glass, symbolizing that even in the midst of our great joy we remember the destruction of the Beit HaMikdash (the holy temple in Jerusalem) two thousand years ago.  The breaking of the glass completes the ceremony.

After the Ceremony

Yichud (Togetherness)

Immediately following the ceremony, [groom's name] and [bride's name] will recess to a private room for the period known as yichud.  Two shomrim (guards) are posted at the door and no interruptions are permitted. This allows the couple to break their fast and to savor the first few moments of married life together. After the seclusion, the couple will return shortly to the guests.

Seudat Mitzvah (Wedding Meal)

The mitzvah (commandment) of mis’ameach chatan v’kallah (gladdening the groom and bride) continues at the wedding meal.  As the newlyweds enter the reception room, they are greeted by traditional dancing and singing. In accordance with Jewish tradition, men and women dance in separate circles. It is customary for as many of the guests as possible to dance individually with the bride and groom in the center of their respective circles.  Since it is the spirit of the dancing, not the choreography, that is important, we encourage every guest to join in. More dancing and celebration takes place between courses. Before dessert is served, we recite the Birchat Hamazon (Grace after Meals) and a repetition of the Sheva Brachot (seven blessings). Dessert and more dancing will follow.

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The Ceremony Program then concludes with the Groom and Bride's Procession, listing out the names of family members and / or friends that will be walking down the isle by order of appearance.

The Perfect Chuppah: Ideas and ways to save money

In my opinion, the Chuppah represents the climax of an Orthodox Jewish Wedding.  It is under the Chuppah that the kallah walks seven times around the chosson, where the key blessings are said that transition a man and woman into a husband and wife, it is where two souls symbolically become one, and it is the first place that this union in marriage is recognized by all.   Thus, creating a magnificent and spiritually significant environment can enhance these precious moments under the Chuppah.  But creating such a special environment does not have to be expensive. 

If you find yourself doing a tremendous amount of online research searching for the “best” chuppah provided by the most highly recommended chuppah builders, then you may not realize that chuppah’s are typically provided as an option by your Florist.  So, if you’ve already found your florist, you can ask to see examples of chuppah’s they have done, but be forewarned that a florist will most likely suggest chuppah options that include lots of flowers (not surprisingly) that will hike up costs.  Do not be seduced by their elaborate showcase of floral chuppahs.  Instead of doing a traditional chuppah with all the bells and whistles of flowers upon flower upon flowers (and more dollars upon dollars upon dollars spent), here are some stylish ideas that can significantly reduce costs spent on your Chuppah:

Simple Chuppah:  I think this chuppah, with just four black poles and loose white fabric is beautifully simple yet easy on the wallet.  Understated yet exquisite details such as the lace that is loosely wrapped around the chosson and kallah create intimacy, the smooth chandelier adds a sleek style, and a pink bundle of flowers located on each side look as though they are levitating, take this simple chuppah to the next level.

 

Unique Chuppah:  What I love most about this chuppah is that the branches are the main component used to create an elaborate feel to counterbalance the elaborate backdrop.  The combination of branches and lighting can create a natural feel at an inexpensive price.

Elegant Chuppah:  You can have a traditional style chuppah that looks elegant without extravagant flowers.  A few greens on the sides add a little color; while the white material gathered at the top of the chuppah add softness and a heavenly glow.

Tallit Chuppah:  Using the tallit for the top of the chuppah is an easy way of creating a religious tone to the chuppah without spending a dime.

Personalized Chuppah:  Another way to reduce the costs of the chuppah without sacrificing style is to personalize the top cover of the chuppah by having close friends and family participate in making the top cover:   send a handful of friends or relatives a blank piece of square cloth, and then have them add a personal symbolic design to the cloth and send the cloth back to you or someone that will be responsible for sowing the pieces of cloth together.  The combined pieces of cloth, each with their independent, unique and personalized designs will become a mosaic cover for the top of the chuppah at a minimal price.

FLOP: Wedding Items Traditionally Paid for by the Chosson / Groom’s Side

Coming from a kallah that planned her wedding while watching the stocks plummet during to the 2009 recession, establishing a wedding budget and knowing who pays for what is key in turning your “dream” wedding into a financially realistic one. Of course, this may not apply to the younger chosson and kallah that have their parents working out the finances themselves (and all of the other wedding planning decisions for that matter). It also may not apply to those of you who are independently wealthy and / or have that “wealthy” Aunt willing to fork over the green. I am really speaking to the brides’ and their grooms that are making the wedding decisions with the assumption that both parents’ sides are contributing at least some amount of money to help pay for the wedding. In the Orthodox Jewish world, a tradition known as “FLOP” is (thankfully) one way of dictating how much the groom’ side should pay. The kallah’s side is traditionally responsible for paying for the hall and caterer. So, what is FLOP and how do these costs translate into what the groom’s side will typically pay in wedding costs?


What is FLOP?
FLOP is an acronym used for listing out the financial responsibility for wedding items to be paid for by the groom’s side of the family. The acronym sometimes varies in interpretation but typically stands for F: Flowers, L: Liquor, O: Orchestra, P: Photographer

• Variations to FLOP: The point of FLOP is to help determine the financial responsibility of the groom’s side. However, some of these terms can be loosely defined. For example:
• Liquor: Of the 70+ venues that I researched, Liquor is typically included in the price of the Wedding Hall and / or Caterer costs and is, therefore, not always separated out in the billing statement. To avoid any misunderstanding when writing the final check, we chose to exclude this item from the groom’s responsibility. The groom’s parents ended up giving us extra money for our savings, which was a very nice gesture.
• Orchestra: Orchestra can be loosely defined as any sort of costs associated with having Music at the wedding. It could be a Band, a DJ, a Pianist… you get the point.

Estimating how much the Groom’s Side should pay for the wedding
Prices for FLOP items can range tremendously based on quality, taste, style, size of the venue, etc. Further, there are ways to significantly reduce these costs (refer to my blog on reducing wedding costs). The following are cost estimates that are based on what was provided by the vendors that we contacted for an average size wedding (200ppl) in the Metro-NY area:

• Flowers: For the Orthodox Jewish Wedding, we found that the Florist was typically used for setting up the Chuppah. Including the costs of a chuppah, prices ranged from $3,500 - $6,800 depending on the vendor.
• Liquor: $7/pp (based on Caterer estimates when adding costs for liquor on top of the costs of food per person). This price can fluctuate based on whether you want Top Shelf alcohol, just wine and beer, etc. We had an in-house caterer and the liquor was included in the Per Person price of the venue.
• Orchestra: We used a live band. Live bands vary in cost based on factors including the number of band members, the number of hours they are expected to play, and reputation. Prices ranged from $4,000 - $5,000 for 4 to 6 hours.
• Photographer / Videographer: Prices for the photographer ranged from $3,000 to $7,000 based on the vendor and what was included in the package (i.e., photo albums, dvd’s, number of videos, etc).

Estimated Total Cost for Groom’s Side (using a size of 200 guests): roughly $16,000

Questions to Ask Wedding Venues about Your Orthodox Jewish Wedding

Not every bride is compelled to find the venue that offers the best deal for the price per person compared to other venues. I can’t relate to those brides. When I started doing research on wedding venues in the Metro- NY/NJ area, my goal was to find the best quality for the right price. Beyond using negotiation tactics to lower costs (to be covered in another blog), you should ask the wedding venue questions that highlight the pro’s and con’s in selecting the venue:

• How many hours are they charging for? Typically, it is around 6 hours, but you can use this as a negotiation tactic by requesting an hour less.

• Does the venue have more than one event going on at the same time? I found this to be a drag if I had to share my wedding space with other brides, and this was a deal-breaker for me.

• Is Valet Parking an added cost? Some wedding venues fail to mention that someone has to pay for the valet service, and this can become an unforeseen expense to either the bride or the guests that may have to shovel out the money.

• Does the wedding venue offer several different rooms that accommodate an Orthodox Jewish Wedding, such as a Tisch area, Bedeken area, Chuppah space, Yichud room, dancing floor that can separate men and women? Surprisingly, wedding venues may not bring up the fact that they do not have a private area / Yichud room for the bride and groom. In fact, two Manhattan wedding venues that I went to checkout could only offer a closet room for the newlywed bride and groom as a Yichud room.

• Does the wedding venue use the same room for the Reception and the Ceremony? Some wedding venues that do not have a lot of space may state that they can accommodate a specific number of guests, like 175 people, yet this can only be done by flipping over the Ceremony area into the Reception area. During the “flip over”, guests may be huddled into a room to find a shmorgishborg. Personally, for the Jewish Orthodox bride such a set up may not make sense since the shmorg would be given right before Dinner. However, the benefit with wedding venues that flip over their space for the shared Reception and Ceremony area are more likely to significantly lower their price if the bride brings this up as a possible deal-breaker.

• Is the wedding venue conveniently located or located near public transportation? If you find a wedding venue that you absolutely love but the only way for guests to get there is to swim or take a boat, then you may want to pass up on the wedding venue or use the inconvenient location as a negotiation strategy in lowering the cost per person.

• What is the percent gratuity on top of the cost per person, and is there another additional percent charge for maitre de services? Right before I was going to sign the dotted line with a wedding venue, they mentioned an additional 5% charge for maitre de services on top of the 18% gratuity and the State tax. While I still ended up signing with this venue anyway, it was only after the wedding venue offered other perks for free to settle my nerves.

• What services are offered by the wedding venue on the day of the wedding? One of the top reasons that I chose my wedding venue was because it came jam-packed with luxury services that included a Valet, Bathroom Attendant, Bridal Attendant, Maitre De / wedding coordinator, 2:1 waiter/table ratio, white-gloved attendants, and non-stop attendance to the needs of guests. They also offered place-setting cards, table numbers, menus per guest and even ice sculptures of any design we desired. I went through so many venues that were much more expensive yet did not offer most of these services.

• What is the wedding venues cancellation policy? G-d forbid there is a need to cancel, but should one arise for some reason then it is better to know the financial damage ahead of time.

• Does the wedding venue offer different ranges in time to hold the wedding, and are they flexible with changing times? One of the easiest ways to reduce costs per person is to have a morning / early day wedding, but there are also Orthodox Jewish-related issues with the timing of the wedding. Evening weddings are typically more expensive. Further, for brides planning to have their Orthodox Jewish Wedding in the winter, they should be conscientious of sunset times and make sure timing of the Tisch and Chuppah does not interfere with when the sun sets. My wedding was in February 2010 and our Rabbi officiating the wedding forced me to change the start time of the wedding from 4pm to 5pm to ensure the Hebrew date of our contractual marriage could not be disputed due to being too close to the time of the sun setting. Luckily, my wedding venue was flexible with changing the times.

• What is the quality of the food and liquor offered by your wedding venue? Another top reason I chose my wedding venue was because they were known for having hands-down outstanding Glatt Kosher food, provide top shelf liquor and a kosher wedding cake with several designs to choose from. Guests are offered seconds on their meals. Most venues will not include all of these accommodations in their costs per person, which means spending more money to get such perks.