Under the Chuppah: A Bride’s Prayers

The preparation prior to the day of your wedding includes so many minor details it is easy to forget the big picture – you are getting married! The day of your wedding should be one of celebrating the unification between you and your soul mate, not one of stressing about trivial things that may not go as planned on your wedding day. That being said, I believe one of the essential ways to tap into the spiritual side of your wedding day and embrace getting married is Under the Chuppah. 

Walking around your husband-to-be seven times is an important opportunity to give blessings and say prayers that seal a stronger bond between you, your chosson and Hashem. Out of all of the details you may want to think about on your wedding day, embrace the time you spend under the chuppah walking around seven times and praying to Hashem. Your prayers are personal and there are many thoughts that may come to your mind. I thought of what I wanted to say ahead of time, printed it out and brought it with me under my chuppah, which turned out to be very handy. I also wrote a list of names to say when praying for others. 

This is a personal thing to each bride, but here is an outline of some essentials based on A Bride’s Prayer for Sepharadim and Askenazim Jewish Women by Rabbi Michael Haber: 

The Perfect Chuppah: Ideas and ways to save money

In my opinion, the Chuppah represents the climax of an Orthodox Jewish Wedding.  It is under the Chuppah that the kallah walks seven times around the chosson, where the key blessings are said that transition a man and woman into a husband and wife, it is where two souls symbolically become one, and it is the first place that this union in marriage is recognized by all.   Thus, creating a magnificent and spiritually significant environment can enhance these precious moments under the Chuppah.  But creating such a special environment does not have to be expensive. 

If you find yourself doing a tremendous amount of online research searching for the “best” chuppah provided by the most highly recommended chuppah builders, then you may not realize that chuppah’s are typically provided as an option by your Florist.  So, if you’ve already found your florist, you can ask to see examples of chuppah’s they have done, but be forewarned that a florist will most likely suggest chuppah options that include lots of flowers (not surprisingly) that will hike up costs.  Do not be seduced by their elaborate showcase of floral chuppahs.  Instead of doing a traditional chuppah with all the bells and whistles of flowers upon flower upon flowers (and more dollars upon dollars upon dollars spent), here are some stylish ideas that can significantly reduce costs spent on your Chuppah:

Simple Chuppah:  I think this chuppah, with just four black poles and loose white fabric is beautifully simple yet easy on the wallet.  Understated yet exquisite details such as the lace that is loosely wrapped around the chosson and kallah create intimacy, the smooth chandelier adds a sleek style, and a pink bundle of flowers located on each side look as though they are levitating, take this simple chuppah to the next level.

 

Unique Chuppah:  What I love most about this chuppah is that the branches are the main component used to create an elaborate feel to counterbalance the elaborate backdrop.  The combination of branches and lighting can create a natural feel at an inexpensive price.

Elegant Chuppah:  You can have a traditional style chuppah that looks elegant without extravagant flowers.  A few greens on the sides add a little color; while the white material gathered at the top of the chuppah add softness and a heavenly glow.

Tallit Chuppah:  Using the tallit for the top of the chuppah is an easy way of creating a religious tone to the chuppah without spending a dime.

Personalized Chuppah:  Another way to reduce the costs of the chuppah without sacrificing style is to personalize the top cover of the chuppah by having close friends and family participate in making the top cover:   send a handful of friends or relatives a blank piece of square cloth, and then have them add a personal symbolic design to the cloth and send the cloth back to you or someone that will be responsible for sowing the pieces of cloth together.  The combined pieces of cloth, each with their independent, unique and personalized designs will become a mosaic cover for the top of the chuppah at a minimal price.

The Perfect Modest Bridesmaid Dress: Ideas for modest and long-sleeve

If I had to choose one wedding item where I lost the most sleep, it would have to be finding the perfect bridesmaid dresses for my bridesmaids.  I wanted something modest and classic with a slight edge, something my bridesmaids could wear again as an evening dress...and I wanted the price to be inexpensive.  Such criteria was nearly impossible to find, and I went down a few paths before making the final choice.  If you are also struggling to find modest bridesmaids gowns that are inexpensive yet fashionable, check out these options:

• Dressy Undershirt:  This is the most flexible option and possibly the least costly to transform a not-so-modest bridesmaid dress into a modest one.  But it only works if the fabric of the dressy undershirt is sleek enough to blend in with the bridesmaid dress and serve as long-sleeves:
• Kiki Riki (~$17):  The "Kiki Riki" is a  brand that has become widely known among the Orthodox Jewish world as the undershirt of choice for making a dress more modest.  The 80% cotton / 10% spandex fabric blend along with being only ~$17 / shirt makes this a popular option for transforming practically any non-modest bridesmaid dress into the perfect one.  The catch is trying to track down stores that sell Kiki Riki's, which mainly seem to be in the heart of Orthodox communities or sold online by small businesses.  

• Designer Loft (~$100):  Designer Loft sells a satin shirt that would be worn underneath the dress to provide coverage of chest and arms (comes in black, white, and tan).  Just ask them about it.
• Customized Chinese Gowns:  As I noted in a previous blog, customized Chinese gowns offer a wide variety of long-sleeve gowns along with an exotic flair.  Just be careful about the slits on the side of the dress which may require added stitching.
• Good Orient:  Good Orient's website offers up some fun Chinese gowns that have sleeves.  On the one hand, traditional Chinese gowns can allow for a little mystery that ensures some modesty in the cut and style of the gown.  On the other hand, the mystery can also be risque with the long slits down the side of the legs.  So, keep in mind that the slits should be sown up to keep it modest.  Should you choose this exotic option for bridesmaid dresses, I recommend ordering one dress as a test before ordering several of them to ensure your satisfaction.  Below is a silk cheongsam with mandarin collar and medium sleeves that can be customized by size, color and material, and only costs a mere $94.74.  
 

• Matching Jacket, Bolero or Blazer: I found these examples on Dillard's website:

• Department Store Websites:  Dillard's, Macy's, Bloomingdale's; or try TJ Formal
• Search under" Mother-of-the-Bride" dresses:  Not all Mother-of-the-Bride dresses are matronly, and you may even find "Bridesmaid" dresses at these department stores with longsleeves.  

Left:  "JS Collections Lace & Crepe Gown" ($220); Right:  "Landa Modest Bridesmaid Dress A008" ($158)

• The Wrap:   This may not be realistic for dancing unless it is pinned down properly. However, it a great as a last minute solution for brides pressed with time.  Below is an example of how wrapping material around your shoulders and arms and tying loosely in the back can transform a dress into a modest and romantic look for your bridesmaids.  

• Customized Modest Gown:  Find a fabric store or designer and choose a color / fabric and dress style for your bridesmaids to have tailored.  While this can be costly, there is room for negotiating a set price per dress if you have several bridesmaids.  I ended up choosing a reputable designer in Staten Island known for designing Orthodox Jewish modest bridesmaids gowns and paid $163 / dress.  When I saw a strappy dress that I liked in her store and imagined a more modest version of it, the designer was flexible and said she could use a similar design as the strappy dress and add sleeves. 

Questions on choosing your bridesmaid dress?  Feel free to email me.

FLOP: Wedding Items Traditionally Paid for by the Chosson / Groom’s Side

Coming from a kallah that planned her wedding while watching the stocks plummet during to the 2009 recession, establishing a wedding budget and knowing who pays for what is key in turning your “dream” wedding into a financially realistic one. Of course, this may not apply to the younger chosson and kallah that have their parents working out the finances themselves (and all of the other wedding planning decisions for that matter). It also may not apply to those of you who are independently wealthy and / or have that “wealthy” Aunt willing to fork over the green. I am really speaking to the brides’ and their grooms that are making the wedding decisions with the assumption that both parents’ sides are contributing at least some amount of money to help pay for the wedding. In the Orthodox Jewish world, a tradition known as “FLOP” is (thankfully) one way of dictating how much the groom’ side should pay. The kallah’s side is traditionally responsible for paying for the hall and caterer. So, what is FLOP and how do these costs translate into what the groom’s side will typically pay in wedding costs?


What is FLOP?
FLOP is an acronym used for listing out the financial responsibility for wedding items to be paid for by the groom’s side of the family. The acronym sometimes varies in interpretation but typically stands for F: Flowers, L: Liquor, O: Orchestra, P: Photographer

• Variations to FLOP: The point of FLOP is to help determine the financial responsibility of the groom’s side. However, some of these terms can be loosely defined. For example:
• Liquor: Of the 70+ venues that I researched, Liquor is typically included in the price of the Wedding Hall and / or Caterer costs and is, therefore, not always separated out in the billing statement. To avoid any misunderstanding when writing the final check, we chose to exclude this item from the groom’s responsibility. The groom’s parents ended up giving us extra money for our savings, which was a very nice gesture.
• Orchestra: Orchestra can be loosely defined as any sort of costs associated with having Music at the wedding. It could be a Band, a DJ, a Pianist… you get the point.

Estimating how much the Groom’s Side should pay for the wedding
Prices for FLOP items can range tremendously based on quality, taste, style, size of the venue, etc. Further, there are ways to significantly reduce these costs (refer to my blog on reducing wedding costs). The following are cost estimates that are based on what was provided by the vendors that we contacted for an average size wedding (200ppl) in the Metro-NY area:

• Flowers: For the Orthodox Jewish Wedding, we found that the Florist was typically used for setting up the Chuppah. Including the costs of a chuppah, prices ranged from $3,500 - $6,800 depending on the vendor.
• Liquor: $7/pp (based on Caterer estimates when adding costs for liquor on top of the costs of food per person). This price can fluctuate based on whether you want Top Shelf alcohol, just wine and beer, etc. We had an in-house caterer and the liquor was included in the Per Person price of the venue.
• Orchestra: We used a live band. Live bands vary in cost based on factors including the number of band members, the number of hours they are expected to play, and reputation. Prices ranged from $4,000 - $5,000 for 4 to 6 hours.
• Photographer / Videographer: Prices for the photographer ranged from $3,000 to $7,000 based on the vendor and what was included in the package (i.e., photo albums, dvd’s, number of videos, etc).

Estimated Total Cost for Groom’s Side (using a size of 200 guests): roughly $16,000

Questions to Ask Wedding Venues about Your Orthodox Jewish Wedding

Not every bride is compelled to find the venue that offers the best deal for the price per person compared to other venues. I can’t relate to those brides. When I started doing research on wedding venues in the Metro- NY/NJ area, my goal was to find the best quality for the right price. Beyond using negotiation tactics to lower costs (to be covered in another blog), you should ask the wedding venue questions that highlight the pro’s and con’s in selecting the venue:

• How many hours are they charging for? Typically, it is around 6 hours, but you can use this as a negotiation tactic by requesting an hour less.

• Does the venue have more than one event going on at the same time? I found this to be a drag if I had to share my wedding space with other brides, and this was a deal-breaker for me.

• Is Valet Parking an added cost? Some wedding venues fail to mention that someone has to pay for the valet service, and this can become an unforeseen expense to either the bride or the guests that may have to shovel out the money.

• Does the wedding venue offer several different rooms that accommodate an Orthodox Jewish Wedding, such as a Tisch area, Bedeken area, Chuppah space, Yichud room, dancing floor that can separate men and women? Surprisingly, wedding venues may not bring up the fact that they do not have a private area / Yichud room for the bride and groom. In fact, two Manhattan wedding venues that I went to checkout could only offer a closet room for the newlywed bride and groom as a Yichud room.

• Does the wedding venue use the same room for the Reception and the Ceremony? Some wedding venues that do not have a lot of space may state that they can accommodate a specific number of guests, like 175 people, yet this can only be done by flipping over the Ceremony area into the Reception area. During the “flip over”, guests may be huddled into a room to find a shmorgishborg. Personally, for the Jewish Orthodox bride such a set up may not make sense since the shmorg would be given right before Dinner. However, the benefit with wedding venues that flip over their space for the shared Reception and Ceremony area are more likely to significantly lower their price if the bride brings this up as a possible deal-breaker.

• Is the wedding venue conveniently located or located near public transportation? If you find a wedding venue that you absolutely love but the only way for guests to get there is to swim or take a boat, then you may want to pass up on the wedding venue or use the inconvenient location as a negotiation strategy in lowering the cost per person.

• What is the percent gratuity on top of the cost per person, and is there another additional percent charge for maitre de services? Right before I was going to sign the dotted line with a wedding venue, they mentioned an additional 5% charge for maitre de services on top of the 18% gratuity and the State tax. While I still ended up signing with this venue anyway, it was only after the wedding venue offered other perks for free to settle my nerves.

• What services are offered by the wedding venue on the day of the wedding? One of the top reasons that I chose my wedding venue was because it came jam-packed with luxury services that included a Valet, Bathroom Attendant, Bridal Attendant, Maitre De / wedding coordinator, 2:1 waiter/table ratio, white-gloved attendants, and non-stop attendance to the needs of guests. They also offered place-setting cards, table numbers, menus per guest and even ice sculptures of any design we desired. I went through so many venues that were much more expensive yet did not offer most of these services.

• What is the wedding venues cancellation policy? G-d forbid there is a need to cancel, but should one arise for some reason then it is better to know the financial damage ahead of time.

• Does the wedding venue offer different ranges in time to hold the wedding, and are they flexible with changing times? One of the easiest ways to reduce costs per person is to have a morning / early day wedding, but there are also Orthodox Jewish-related issues with the timing of the wedding. Evening weddings are typically more expensive. Further, for brides planning to have their Orthodox Jewish Wedding in the winter, they should be conscientious of sunset times and make sure timing of the Tisch and Chuppah does not interfere with when the sun sets. My wedding was in February 2010 and our Rabbi officiating the wedding forced me to change the start time of the wedding from 4pm to 5pm to ensure the Hebrew date of our contractual marriage could not be disputed due to being too close to the time of the sun setting. Luckily, my wedding venue was flexible with changing the times.

• What is the quality of the food and liquor offered by your wedding venue? Another top reason I chose my wedding venue was because they were known for having hands-down outstanding Glatt Kosher food, provide top shelf liquor and a kosher wedding cake with several designs to choose from. Guests are offered seconds on their meals. Most venues will not include all of these accommodations in their costs per person, which means spending more money to get such perks.

Ways to Save Money on Kosher Catering

Not surprising to those with a kosher palette, a strictly kosher catered wedding can triple the price of food per person compared to a non-kosher wedding. But learning the nature of how pricing works for kosher caterers can save you significant amounts of money.  Don’t fall in love with a venue that falls out of your budget when adding the cost of kosher catering. Prepare yourself from the start by answering key questions that can make or break your bank:

• Is there a relationship between the Venue and the Caterer?
• If the answer is yes, then you have a much better chance of negotiating costs on both sides. One tip is to ask a Kosher Caterer to give you a list of Venues that they have catered and would recommend.  Not all venues have kosher-friendly kitchens, making it more laborious conditions for the caterer to work out kashrut logistics.
• Will the Venue provide tables, linens, chairs, stemware and dinnerware?
• If the answer is yes, then the Caterer will only charge for food (plus gratuity and tax).
• If the answer is no, then the price of having either the Caterer or a rental company bring such rental items will hike up the total cost of Venue / Catering considerably.
• Does the Kosher Caterer or Venue offer a significant reduction in price if you guarantee a certain number of guests?
• Asking this question to the Caterer or the Venue has proven to be a successful negotiation tactic in lowering total costs.  Similar to going to Costco and buying something at "family size", the more guests you invite, the lower the total cost per guest.  However, before guaranteeing a certain number of guests, you should know your budget and factor in taxes and gratuity to understand the amount of dollars you can spend per guest (which I will discuss in another blog).
• In order to calculate the actual cost per guest for catering, determine the State Tax, percent gratuity, and extra charges for rabbinic staff that the Caterer will charge.
• The combination of these costs can add considerable amounts of money to the actual cost per guest and should be included when calculating the total amount your budget will allow you to spend per guest.
• Does the Venue offer in-house Kosher catering with an acceptable hechsher?
• If the answer is yes, then the price of a combined Venue / Catering cost will be significantly less than going to a Venue that does not offer in-house Kosher catering. 

For my own Kosher catered wedding, I chose to go with an in-house Kosher catering venue but only after researching over 70 other venues to find the best bang for the buck.

Recession Bride

Planning your Orthodox Jewish Wedding during harsh economic times does not have to mean sacrificing the wedding of your dreams.

Orthodox Jewish Wedding's are significantly more costly than the average wedding when considering the price of the big ticket wedding items such as good kosher catering, modest wedding gowns and bridesmaid dresses, invitations that include a Hebrew section, and a venue that offers enough space for handling Jewish wedding staples such as the tisch room and bedeken, ceremony area, yichud room, and ballroom with mechitza. Such Orthodox Jewish Wedding costs can make a person with budgetary constraints want to let go of the dream wedding and look toward other, more affordable options.

Being a recession bride myself, I was able to throw my own dream Orthodox Jewish Wedding while cutting costs by over 30 percent. It was like buying a designer bag at sample sale prices - I got the quality I wanted at significantly lower costs.

Stay tuned as I update my blog with tips, tools and resources to help you save money on your dream Orthodox Jewish Wedding.